Jokes in English

[porcupine]

Few years back when I was in United States. I was a Housekeeping supervisor and had a staff that always put me in trouble.

There was one time, the housekeeping manager called him to check the condition one of the bungalow. The bungalow was made from woods and the wall was reported broken.

The Manager : So how's the wall?
The staff : Oh..it is OK... The wall is nevermind.
The manager was so confused with his answer and asked me to personally talk with him in Bahasa Indonesia.

So I met him and ask : Maksud nya The wall is nevermind apa Bro?
The Staff : Masak ngga ngerti Pak? Temboknya ngga apa apa..ngga rusak kok.

Me :

[surjadi05]

‎"Why hairs are white"

KID :- Why some of your hair are white dad ?
DAD : - Every time a son make his dad unhappy, one of his father's hair turns white.
KID :- Now understand why grandpa's hairs are all white...xP

[red>,<hair]

LETTER OFF LOVE

Hi,together this letter I give know you
I want cut connection us
I think very cook cook all
correctly I have see you play fire with a woman entertainment at town with my eyes head alone
You always ask sorry back back river
River that I forgive you, but this river, you correct correct hurt my liver
You eyes drop tears crocodile
You correct correct a man crocodile land!
I not want sick my liver for 2 river
Safe walk


From your fruit liver

[GiKu]

You always ask sorry back back river

harusnya repeat repeat

[red>,<hair]

td nulis g pke narasi dlu jd g isa ngeles de

[kandalf]

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.' ”


-- source: Nerve Gas FB Status

[kupo]

Mom's Affair

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!"

[noodles maniac]

Bastard Priest

You eyes drop tears crocodile
You correct correct a man crocodile land!
I not want sick my liver for 2 river
Safe walk


From your fruit liver

Ya tuhan.... crocodile land... fruit liver...

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.' ”

Kebayang yang ngomong gini si pengacara Hotma Paris, goddamn lawyer

[Shaka_RDR]

• Tech Support: "Sir, something has burned within your power supply."
• Customer: "I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this."
• Tech Support: "There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem."
• Customer: "I know that there is something that I can put in...some command...maybe it should go into theCONFIG.SYS."

Minutes later:

• Tech Support: "Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line asC:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer."

Pause.

• Customer: "It is still smoking."
• Tech Support: "I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE."

Four hours later, he calls back.

• Tech Support: "Hello sir, how is your computer?"
• Customer: "I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done?"

[mbok jamu]

Rejected Hallmark cards quotes.

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep.

13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking?

14. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

[t_cl]

• Tech Support: "Sir, something has burned within your power supply."
• Customer: "I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this."
• Tech Support: "There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem."
• Customer: "I know that there is something that I can put in...some command...maybe it should go into theCONFIG.SYS."

Minutes later:

• Tech Support: "Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line asC:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer."

Pause.

• Customer: "It is still smoking."
• Tech Support: "I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE."

Four hours later, he calls back.

• Tech Support: "Hello sir, how is your computer?"
• Customer: "I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done?"

Orangnya microsoft lebih pinter

[Shaka_RDR]

Rejected Hallmark cards quotes.

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep.

13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking?

14. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

Astajiiimmm......
ini quote yang amat sangat bagus dan menyentuh hati ke lubuk yg paling dalam

[noodles maniac]

Postingannya si mbok tentang Hallmark Cards kocak abizzz

[vanjait]

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[Neptunus]

^ kocak tu ceritanya vanjait ::

[noodles maniac]

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

"Blows him back up", bwahahahahahaha lucu vanjait

[vanjait]

Asal jgn kelamaan ya ngebayanginya...

[mbok jamu]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had *** together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having *** against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious *** that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic *** life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'.

[noodles maniac]

Wakakakakakakak it's because of the power of electricity not the power of 50 years love

[serendipity]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen