Anti-pervert hairy stockings: The latest must-have for your handbag?
Yep, you read it correctly. Hairy stockings. It could only be from China – with one Chinese blogger describing them as the ultimate 'anti-pervert' must-have. Katy Brand takes a look at the viral sensation – but watch out – she wants to order a whole body suit.
By Katy Brand
Hair stockings, anyone? Forget a hair shirt, or even a hair belt – they’re so Tudor – no, the hot trend for young women this summer is a pair of leggings that make the wearer look like they’ve lost their Ladyshave and embraced a more natural look. Are they a fashion item, or a deterrent? It is difficult to tell – perhaps they are both. Indeed, many men find the garments worn at the higher end of the fashion world a deterrent in any case (straight-jacket and transparent kilt on a first date, anyone?), so there is already some degree of crossover.
Maybe they are for women with leg-hair envy. After years of shaving and waxing, the hair follicles are so weak that even if the average western woman wanted to grow a full thigh-beard herself, she probably couldn’t, and so for those who wish to experiment with a new look, here is the answer.
They first appeared on a microblogging Chinese site Sina Weibo (China’s version of Twitter), and have become a viral sensation, with one user @HappyZhangJiang describing them as ‘anti-pervert stockings’. Trend-watcher ChinaSMACK has offered them to the world, and the world has said, ‘urgh, gross.’
Perhaps their primary function is to put off the more unenlightened members of the male ***, who will be so repulsed by the sight of a nubile young girl with gorilla pins that they will forget to assault her, but maybe the truth is more subtle than that.
In fact what will happen is that all those nice, feminist men who pride themselves on being above their own cultural conditioning will be buying the drinks, and the old misogynists will leave the ladies alone – the successful suitors will be a pleasantly self-selecting group of males who are intellectual, lentil-eating, gentle and good at listening. The *** will be awful, of course, but it will be ever so respectful.
And yet, undaunted, I have ordered a dozen pairs. It is to be my new summer look. With magazines everywhere offering their usual seasonal diet of ‘getting your best bikini body for summer’ and ‘are your legs/feet/toes ready for the sun’, I think this is a very desirable alternative to all the feverish exfoliating, moisturising, fake-tanning and subsequent weeping that accompanies a British heatwave.
Let’s just admit what we are – great apes in cotton dresses – and live accordingly. It would all be so much more relaxing, and perhaps without the attendant neuroses and maintenance that we ladies have to endure for the summer months, men and women would get along much better – if you are covered in hair, you have nothing to hide.
The more I think about it, the more I think these hairy stockings could solve a lot of problems. Relationships will be more honest; flirtation truer to our animal instincts; al fresco *** will be … warmer. My only question is, where can I get a whole bodysuit?
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