PDA

View Full Version : I Hate Amy Chua's Parenting Style



kunderemp
11-03-2011, 07:15 PM
You can read some of her idea in http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html

I'm not chinese descendant but reading her writing remind me my past trauma.


For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace."

I remembered, one day, I went home, brought an exam result which has score 8 of 10 and my father, cynically look at it and, "Is that all? Are you happy for getting 8? You should not. You should get 9 or 10".

After that day, I never study seriously. I didn't care when I was kicked-out from big ten in my class.

cha_n
11-03-2011, 07:28 PM
i do not like her style too. i think i am not even a human if i do something like her to my children.

Life is not just about have an A on paper.

ndugu
14-03-2011, 06:48 AM
this topic created a huge debate across united states :mrgreen:

Alip
24-08-2012, 12:45 PM
All right, so I finally have time to read Amy Chua’s book “Hymn of Tiger Mother” and decided to join the discussion here.

To my surprise, I am not entirely in disagreement with this tigress, as I was raised… well… almost in similar manner and don’t find it… err… too hurtful?:mrgreen:

I can relate my parents with Chua’s parents; they were immigrant, except that my parents moved from farming culture in deep Sumatra to industrial world in Java instead of from China to US, but immigrant nevertheless. They shifted culture, moved to new place with no soul known to them. It definitely forged them to hard work.

That put me and Amy Chua at the same stage, second generation of an immigrant family, and somehow I found that I was raised the same way Amy was raised. Discipline and achievement, the hard way. Funnily, looking back, I wish my parents were harder to me. I sometime feel that I am not hard enough to myself (to my wife strong disagreement:rolleyes:).

I believe there is one important prescription of parenting that encompasses all, that is love. Relating to my own experience, I always know that my parents loved me, despite the strong way they brought me up. We had good times together, we talked and discussed about lots of things, did some family explorations, and lots of many other good things to fill my memory about them. Anytime my parents were strong on me, somehow I know that it was done on a context. Talking about father and son martial art relationship, he literally did me black and blue. Even Amy didn’t go that far.

As for my mark, they were always put me in competition against myself. Yes, they told me that 8 was not good enough if I can get 10, and they convinced me that I can.


***

Now that I am parents myself, certainly I intent to do better than my parents, that is putting more love and understanding to the notion. That being said, my eldest son currently six, cries a lot at difficulties while I already had brown belt and stone face when I was his age.

Well, I’ll start with myself first. I’ll discipline myself more to spend all the time I have at home with the children, to never split attention between them and anything else (which have been much of the case lately), but certainly will start to demand them to meet certain standard. That way I’ll give them my kind of discipline and love…

Certainly I won’t put Amy’s vocabulary of harsh words into my arsenal. Kind words always, but firm and not less demanding.

I did it once (and maybe more in the future) when my eldest had trouble with math. “We’ll stay here until you can figure it out. All night if necessary. You and I together. I’ll get you anything you need, be it water, eraser, extra pencil or whatever, but we’ll sit together here until you figure it out.”

… and he did. I gave him big hug and he loved it. :hug4:

Parents…::hihi::

red_pr!nce
24-08-2012, 12:53 PM
In most cases, the best children are the result of harsh education. So, yeah, I agree with that.

I was also raised that way by my parents. I would never be a good man if my parents were too soft on me. :)

Zhazha
24-08-2012, 01:49 PM
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids.
hahaha... Spaltan Studying Methods?

In Jakalta, they mostly end up being a small gadget stole ownel... even if they wolk plofessionally, it is theil netwolks which boost theil calliel, not theil skills nol ability...

Ronggolawe
24-08-2012, 01:59 PM
I prefer to have Skandinavian studying methods...
What ever my children want to be, as long as for
the good of communities, they would have my ap
roval and my blessing...

as my parent had taught me long before :)













go go Zhazha Kromowidjojo :)

ul.malik
24-08-2012, 02:14 PM
i was also raised in that way.
and now, i always haunted by guilty.
i don't even dare to try something.
afraid to fail.
::managuetahu::

Bi4rain
02-01-2013, 02:21 AM
In honesty, I'm in complete agreement with Alip. You should do it with love and discipline.
and what better example than this

I did it once (and maybe more in the future) when my eldest had trouble with math. “We’ll stay here until you can figure it out. All night if necessary. You and I together. I’ll get you anything you need, be it water, eraser, extra pencil or whatever, but we’ll sit together here until you figure it out.”

Some parents I've met think they've been raising their child with all the love and understanding of the world and a lot of encouragement....blindly walking away from the true potential their kids can actually have.
Set the bar higher, then you can have something to achieve or work better on.
I'm not saying things should go south with beatings and mocking and stuff.
But a little bit of both should do it. You can have love and still discipline kids.
Too much protection won't do......and frankly, I've seen these type of people who showers their kids with too much understanding and claims psychology and all that BS.
Guess what?
They blocked their kids from their true potential unknowingly. Worst of all, these parents won't give a shot nor even tried to listen to possibilities of other methods.

Kids won't grow to their true potential just by hugs and encouraging words.
same goes for kids not growing to their true potential just by rules and repressions.

MoodPecker
02-01-2013, 03:33 PM
I've read Amy Chua's book. Btw... I can read in English but it's hard for me to write in English. Well, I think trying to discuss in this thread is a good way to train my English writing.

My father is the third generation of Chinese immigrant in Indonesia (I usually call it "peranakan" or "Tiong Hoa"). He still used Chinese parenting style when I was still going to school. I still can remember, when I'm in elementary, he would be very angry if knowing that I get less than 8 (out of 10). When I said that the exam is very hard and mostly failed, he asked: "Is someone get higher score than you?". If I said yes, he would say: "So defeat him/her. Don't compare yourself to someone lower than you, compare yourself to someone better than you! Next exam you must be better than this!".

He also hit me with sticks if I get less than 6 or 7.

And yes... My father is very restrictive (until today). I must do everything very well. If I did something bad, he would hit me with stick or belt. For me, got hit from my father everyday was very common. I still could remember one day I played with origami paper, I was about 10 or 11 that day. I made my room messy with the origami paper and then he hit me, cruelly. He just asked: "Do you play the paper?" I said "Yes". And then BAM! I got the stick as the reward ::hihi::

At 17, when I graduated from my senior high school, my father told me: "Now I won't give you pocket money anymore. You should find the money for yourself." He taught me to be independent.

And now... I become a very perfectionist male, I also afraid to fail. I afraid to step outside from my comfort zone. My friend, who is a psychotherapist, also said that I have obsessive compulsive symptoms. I think it's related to my father's parenting style that stress the perfection, achievement, and discipline.

But, in the another hand, I become a "achiever" male. I always look for opportunity to achieve. If my father never taught me to struggle to become "the best", I would never get my full scholarship for my bachelor degree, I would never get 20 million because of my academical and organizational achievement, I would never win any competitions and got the trophies home, and I would never have my leadership quality (my friends said that I have a lot of leadership quality, and the truth is... I almost become the leader in mostly every organization I join).

So, Chinese parenting style or Chua's parenting style is like a two-sided coin. It has both of the positive and negative side.

Bi4rain
02-01-2013, 04:42 PM
I made my room messy with the origami paper and then he hit me, cruelly. He just asked: "Do you play the paper?" I said "Yes". And then BAM! I got the stick as the reward ::hihi::

this is too much. He was pissed by having a messy room.

Spartan or skandinavian (is that the term?), both have qualities. Just don't go south on one. Balance them.
Getting a perfect score isn't the most important thing, but encouraging kids to do better is the whole point.
If anyone can do better, who's to say I can't except myself?
most kids do that, even I as an adult do that.
Even if one's tried and proven couldn't surpass the others, the very least they tried.

to think people nowadays likes to complaint how generations these days lack the drive ;D

jojox
12-02-2013, 04:34 AM
oohh how it reminds me of the good days of a la madre. Just like Russel Peters used on his comedy jam. ::ngakak2::

She would take the bible and read it out loud for even neighbor to hear that: beating your kids is governed by the book of Psalms and Proverbs. Literally then, mop sticks and belts became the obvious reasonings and practical tools on the obedience battle ground.

The effect ? I scored just so and so on most of my exams. The only reason I delivered 3.21 GPA was to establish evidence that binge drinking and academics were not in correlation to each other. Some moms don't believe their kids were born genius while beatings contribute less to intellectual capacities and in fact, doing even more harm to one's development of character and self-esteem. Smart but shy, geek and anti-social, introvert but rebellious, those were just kickbacks of the ancient rulings err..parenting.

So, don't blame me if I kick my dog for no reason sometime.... ::grin:: it kind of runs in our family.

serendipity
12-02-2013, 10:09 AM
well, I think i'm the lucky child in the world.. coz my mother never put the blame on me if i cant get 8 or 9 on the paper :ngopi:

jojox
12-02-2013, 05:29 PM
^ lucky ?
how were you supposed to face the cruel world? It's jungle out there.

ass-whooping a la madre made us tough cookies to break. And some recited this:

“I refuse to be dismayed, disengaged, disgruntled, or distracted. Neither will I look back, stand back, fall back, or sit back. I do not need applause, flattery, adulation, prestige, stature, or veneration. I do not have time for business as usual, mediocre standards, small thinking, outdated methods, normal expectations, average results, ordinary ideas, pettydisputes, or low vision. I will not give up, give in, bail out, lie down, turnover, quit or surrender"

That's how we gonna rule the world, wooot wooot !